Secondly, take time to try and understand her. I realise I have only skimmed the surface of this tricky issue but I hope that some of my suggestions will be helpful and that the situation will improve soon. Often they are easier to deal with if they are our own flesh and blood — perhaps because we are used to them, perhaps because our family has adapted around them over the years or maybe because we understand something of why they are like they are, and behave as they do. Work out how you would like things to be different, and ask yourself if you are being realistic in your expectations. Please indicate if there are any details you would NOT want included in print. Difficult relatives can add a bit of spice and drama to family occasions but they can also cause great anxiety, anger, resentment and hurt. If anyone else has any experience or tips for dealing with difficult relatives or in-laws, do write in and let me know.
In fact, I think there may be a danger that you will swing the other way and overreact one day. Does she dislike the way Nick behaves when he is around you all? Losing the love of my life 24 Aug On our most recent visit, my brother said they would see us at some point but failed to show up at all. If you usually phone Nick — why not liaise with Zara instead? I really do want a good relationship with them because I care about them very much, but I also feel very protective of my daughter and I do not want to expose her to being hurt, too. Often they are easier to deal with if they are our own flesh and blood — perhaps because we are used to them, perhaps because our family has adapted around them over the years or maybe because we understand something of why they are like they are, and behave as they do. Difficult people are normally difficult for a reason. You have carried on being friendly, proffering invitations and optimistically hoping that she will just change — but it has been 12 years and her behaviour has not improved. Has Zara grown up believing sulking and dramas are part and parcel of family life? We were worried about you. If anyone else has any experience or tips for dealing with difficult relatives or in-laws, do write in and let me know. Thirdly, strike while the iron is cold. Feel free to contribute to the debate on any of the topics covered in the column. I will also be posting on comments submitted by other readers. Could you give more warning before you visit or decide a date around their availability? Should I confront them or just let it ride again and hope things are better in the future? The bonds holding us together are much more fragile, and there is the risk of losing other important relationships if they react badly — whether it is a child, grandchild or a sibling. The problem is that neither course of action will do anything to improve the relationship, and often will make it worse. They come from a different family system with different ways of doing things, so we are less likely to understand the history of their behaviour. Is she jealous of you or your daughter for some reason? By your own admission, you are finding her behaviour more difficult to deal with since the birth of your daughter, and your tolerance level is weakening. What exactly is it that really hurts? Or is it something else? Is it the unpredictability of her behaviour? Try thinking through why she might be how she is; observe her with others; watch what triggers any negative behaviour; and invest some time getting to know her better.
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